October 24, 2008
Elitist Rich White Women Design Proposal to Give Hens Bigger Cages:
Today California voters face off on Proposition 2, a proposal designed and written completely by wealthy white women. Under proposition 2, egg farmers may no longer keep their hens in 8 inch square cages, but instead must give each hen enough room to stand up, turn around, and scratch herself. In addition, each hen will be given a weekly pedicure, one basket of French dust per month to bathe in, and, in collaboration with Zoo’real, a company always in the forefront on animal rights issues, a complementary tube of beak gloss. “It’s the least we can do for the poor things” says Elizabeth Johnson-Vaughnington, one of the rich white women who wrote much of the proposal. “I myself hate that ‘cooped up’ feeling. Sometimes, you just have to get out of the limo and stretch your legs on a long trip!”
Opponents of the proposition say that it will result in disastrous cost increases in eggs, forcing some egg farmers out of business and paving the way for egg imports from Countries-That-Wish-Us-Harm, such as Iraq and Russia. Agribusiness-vets, those veterinarians who think all animals are really better off being used exactly the way humans want them to be used, because of course left alone they’d only hurt themselves, say that the 8 inch cages actually protect and reassure the hens. Dr. Jennifer Thornwhap of the AggroVets Society says, “Hens really enjoy the smaller cages. They quite simply don’t know what to do with more space. Plus, if you increase cage dimensions, you get a lot of jealousy and back biting behavior. Hens get convinced that someone else got a bigger cage than they did. When you keep the cages small, they don’t get any wacky ideas about their place in the scheme of things.” Dr. Thornwhap is dismissive of the “rich white elitist women” who wrote the proposal. “They really ought to stay out of things that don’t concern them, and just write proposals about things like catering companies and nail salons,” she said, locking her black Land Rover and walking past a legless pigeon into an AggroVets convention at Las Vegas hot spot Caesar’s Palace, where the menu included egg white and foie gras soufflé.
Neither side addressed the allegations from someone known only as Coopheus; that giant, agribusiness chicken and egg farms are some of the largest contributors to greenhouse gases in the nation. “To my mind, a saner, more humane egg business cuts down on pollution” says Coopheus. “Of course then the cost of eggs more accurately reflects their real environmental costs. Just like the true cost of gasoline is far, far more than anyone would ever pay, and makes today's high costs look positively frugal. That’s something people just do not want to know about. Not now, not ever. Given the choice, most folks just prefer ignorance." When asked to elaborate, Coopheus declined comment, leaving this reporter with an envelope containing nothing but two pills, one red and one blue.